Let’s talk about the most important thing first. After a “next episode” preview freakout last week—screenshots, twitter discourse, myriad insults—we only barely got to see Colton in his pearl shirt. I kind of thought that at least 10 minutes of this episode would be devoted to various cast members saying things like, “Did you see that Colton is wearing a pearl shirt?” “Yes, he is. And he’s wearing some sort of crown.” “That’s true, but I don’t really care about the crown. I do care about the pearl shirt, though.” And then Alan would enter and give a long speech about the pearl shirt and everyone would start to think that the pearl shirt is a traitor and then the pearl shirt would say something funny in confessional and then Johnny Weir and the pearl shirt would start dating and eventually Tara Lipinski would tearfully officiate the wedding of Johnny and the pearl shirt.

But that is not how things played out. They barely gave us any of Colton’s most ridiculous outfit to date and I feel like that’s pretty cheap of them. And if they weren’t going to let us gawp and point and laugh at that, then they at least could have let us look more lingeringly at Rob’s little chemise. You know, his John Leguizamo as Tybalt shirt that should have looked so stupid but good god is he hot so he can really wear the hell out of whatever he wants. If they weren’t going to do a whole special segment on the fact that Colton was wearing a Talbot’s day-to-night blazer over an enormous string of pearls he stole from the costume closet after his community theater production of Candide (he do glitter and he do be gay), then they should have put some sultry music on and had the cameras lovingly explore Rob like he was a hard-bod in a Michael Bay movie.